A Thought That Terrifies Me (A Writing for the Martyrs)

Prior to entering into my thoughts I should preface this writing with a little background. Suffering is not something new in the world nor am I a stranger to mild forms of it. I have had to put my body through tough things and have had deep emotional scars due to the untimely deaths of many people I have worked with or considered friends. With that said, I see my life's sorrows and pains as but miniscule blips on the radar of some of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, who have endured much for our Lord. Which leads me to this terrifying thought (which I am sure many will be able to relate too, especially in the west).

Some of you reading this may be familiar with the Voice of the Martyrs, a ministry started by Dr. Richard Wurmbrand to speak for/ support those who suffer for the faith (if you are not I encourage you to look into this ministry and husband/ wife duo). There are Christians out there (I am aware suffering is not just a Christian thing but is relevant for me and my discourse here) who are beaten, bruised, physically ridiculed, and even killed. What is rather interesting is many of these "martyrs" do so with grace and joy, which is found in Christ. I cannot help but ponder, what would I do in similar circumstances?

If I am realistic and honest with myself, I would have to answer "I don't know but I hope I would react the same way." This is the part that terrifies me, I am not sure that I would! I am not sure I have the kind of faith that could endure suffering on such a scale. I want that faith. I want that obedience. I want that joy. But alas, I see far to much cowardice in my heart. Sure, I know God exists and am thoroughly convinced Jesus Christ was raised from the dead for my sins. However, my faith has never been tested or strengthened for any endeavor such as this.

To think these thoughts about something I truly strive for (Christ-likeness) is scary and bittersweet. On the one hand, it makes me realize there are areas in my life that can and very much need to be refined. On the other end, in my honest disclosure, have I discovered that I am not in it for his glory. Do I only want a padded version of Christianity where there is no battle, no sacrifice, no tears, no sorrow, no growth? Of course not! But growing up in the west has made me realize how weak and fragile I am and how easy I have had it. My heart mourns at this.

I want nothing more than to produce a fierce faith which can stand against any evil this world can produce. My intentions are high but practicality reigns supreme. In those moments of terror and pain, it is not hard to imagine myself reverting to that innate human trait of, I just want to live. My entire adult life, I had no problem with the thought of laying my life down for friends....but for Christ? Why does there seem to be a hesitation? Why does it seem so much more difficult to suggest I am willing to lay down my life for he who did just that for me? I don't know the answer to this question but I promise to figure it out.

This is by no means an indictment against the west. Rather this is strictly an indictment against me! I have always said, "a little suffering is good for the soul." But what about a lot of suffering? I share these questions because that eat at me. I pray for those who are persecuted because I see them as Champions I desire to emulate. Their faith and strength is one I think Christ desires in all of us, in me. Paul says, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). The verses prior to this one Paul describes being content and describes various situations in his life. This verse seems to apply heavily on the topic discussed here.

Nominal Christianity won't do! Simply going to church won't do! I have come to realize, with Christ it is a all or nothing kind of thing (Rev. 3:16- lukewarm-ness will be spit out). Full submission to the authority of Christ is key. It seems to me that those who have suffered and continue to suffer for his namesake are fully submitted to the authority of Christ. Is that my problem? It has to be! Maybe my cowardice is bound up in my lack of recognition in the authority of Christ. Here I thought I was fully submitted. I guess I am not. I preach it, I believe it but I don't follow it (apparently).

Thinking about this concern I have has produced the knowledge of a major weak spot in my spiritual life. All development should be geared towards the unthinkable. Not that we should expect to suffer for our faith. But that our faith should be so developed that we could withstand it. No longer are the days of fear, no longer are the days of weakness. I want to be like Christ who lovingly endured pain for all the world. Who is privy to the sufferings of mankind and did not shy away. I stand with the one who is not shaken by the ridicule this world has offered. No longer shall I retain my position of power in my life. It is only after I give up power that I gain it infinitely back because I am not my own and that's the way I'd like to keep it. Infinite strength is found in the only savior and his name is Jesus Christ.